There are words that can hold a certain amount of stress.
I smirk, I cringe, or I try to let it pass from one ear, out the other. Relax is actually my Hancock, “don’t call me crazy” word, and look it appears right here in my blog. I’m trying to overcome this, but if my significant other tells me to, “Just relax,” he’s just set the fire higher and the tea is sputtering. Conversations of sex and relationships have an abundance of stressful language that makes things confusing. I’m not exactly sure when this change with words occurred, but I’ve noticed some terms that I was comfortable saying when I was younger have now become awkward, while those that were estrange before, take on a more natural discussion as I get older.
When I was younger, I was influenced by my older sister and her ideas of relationships. She’s only three years older, but to me she knew everything. I listened to everything she said. I was eight, and I listened as she explained how stupid it was for someone to have a boyfriend, when all you can do is see each other at school, and what?! Hold hands! Her words became mine, and even though she started dating in high school, I didn’t date till I graduated. Boyfriend is a word that seemed to be fine to use when you’re younger. I was able to use the word when I was 18, but now, the word stops at the curl of my lips, with the first letter. Introducing someone as “my boyfriend,” sounds like I’m belittling our relationship. So, what are you to me after eight years? Boyfriend and Girlfriend don’t fit! I hear you tell your work friends, “This is the wife;” however, we aren’t married, and I’m not ready for that. So, for now, the word for me becomes, “my significant other.”
When your eight, the meaning of boyfriend or girlfriend can be seen as too mature, and those kids who try to use these words just get teased by adults. I listened as the little boy next door explained how it was his girlfriend’s birthday, and my mother’s response was, “A girlfriend?! Aren’t you too young to have a girlfriend?” He later told me that same story about the pool party, but now he stumbles, calling her, “my special friend, that is a girl.” I respond, “Ah, your girlfriend!” I may not like the words, but I wanted him to feel free to use them.
The word sex itself changes as you get older. Have you ever had a sex talk with your parents? My mom tried to have the conversation with me in high school, but I still giggled at the word. My mom replied, “Well, I guess we aren’t ready to chat about sex till you can actually say the word without giggling.” It’s nice to know I have an older sister to talk to and a mom who is open to talk about the seriousness of sex. Since I wasn’t ready for a boyfriend, I surely wasn’t ready to learn more about sex. It never even occurred to me to Google anything. I listened to what they told me in school, and that’s all I knew—so, that’s how a condom is put on. The focus stayed around safety and pregnancy. There was nothing about pleasure.
This (partly) explains not knowing what a clitoris was till I was in college—my guy friend made a joke, and it went right over my head. I hear ya—talk about sheltered. I was enlightened by a lot of sexual language thanks to college, and the word sex became easier to say. My significant other brought me to a Vagina Monologues panel, and the guest speaker focused on the pleasures of sex. I’m sure my face was red having him sit next to me, and it kept me from taking notes during the discussion, but I focused on every word she said. Let me ask you this, do you know what Kegel exercises are? If not, it’s vaginal weightlifting that helps strengthen the pelvic floor. There are actually Kegel machines to help contract and relax those muscles. Both women and men benefit from Kegel exercises.
I wish all words were comfortable to say, but just as we filter our conversations and our words with our audience, there will always be ones that make you mad, make you stumble on what you’re saying, and make you laugh. They will change as you get older and it will be different for each person. But, don’t stress. It’s just a word.
I think my sex talk with my kids will go somewhere along the lines of,
“Okay, let’s put sex on the backboner for a moment and chat about the clitoris.”
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